The Grim Sleeper - A Roommate Experiment
by gayskeletontrash
Summary: Six months after the battle at Anteiku, CCG investigators Akira and Juuzou have bonded over their losses and become close friends. Some unfortunate circumstances lead to Akira spending a week at Juuzou's apartment, which goes about as well as you'd expect. Lots of fun headcanons, fluff and humor for the long-suffering Tokyo Ghoul fandom.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm just saying," Juuzou huffed, "_Lucky Star_ would be a lot more interesting as an action-horror series."

"You can't just turn a comedy into a drama like that," Akira grumbled. "It'd be like… if you made _Death Note_ into a hentai. It just doesn't work."

"What would we call something like that? _Dick Note_?"

"Yeah, and 'gods of death love apples' would be replaced with 'gods of death love ass.'"

Akira watched in amusement as Juuzou choked down his drink, holding back laughter. She couldn't resist laughing along at the absurdity of their conversation. Her otaku years weren't something she took pride in, but their friendship was relaxed enough that she could reminisce about them with him. After all, the skeletons in his closet were much worse than her life as a nerd.

The pair of investigators was sitting in a small sushi shop after work. In spite of their original disdain toward each other, they'd become close friends since the battle they were discussing. It was probably a mutual grief that bonded them, or maybe it was the way each had evolved since then. Akira had noticed a profound change in Juuzou. He was no longer the emotionless machine he'd been when he'd joined the CCG – the loss of his father figure had broken the shield of indifference he'd been hiding behind. The young man had grown more sociable, making a clear and desperate effort to become friends with the other investigators. Akira had been one of the few to take him up on the offer, mainly because she was an outcast as well. As if her father's legacy wasn't enough to ostracize her, her grieving process over Amon Koutarou hadn't been pretty. Misery loves company, and as the two of them healed, they'd formed a close bond to the point where they could do things like go out to dinner together and discuss their favorite anime.

"Speaking of death, you're not looking so well lately," he said once he'd calmed down.

"Could we not compare me to a corpse? I'd really appreciate that."

Juuzou rolled his eyes.

"You didn't let me finish. I'm worried about you. Are you sure you're not sick?"

"I'm not sick, just exhausted. I've been having so much trouble sleeping lately." She'd been trying her best to cover the bags under her eyes with makeup, but evidently it hadn't worked. And concealer couldn't hide her lack of energy. Even her speech was getting sluggish. She wondered just how much rest she'd need to get back to normal.

"Bad dreams?" He looked almost hopeful that that was the case, that someone else would share his chronic nightmare problem. Akira felt sorry for him. He'd only vaguely described his past and how that affected his sleep, but she could tell it was something that really weighed on him.

"No, there's construction going on across the street from my apartment. They work at night in hopes that they won't obstruct the daytime traffic. Most of my neighbors are staying with family or friends, but I've got no place to go. All my friends live too far away from work to be convenient. So I'll look like this for at least another week." She gave a rueful smile. "If I look like death now, I'll be decomposing by the time it's quiet again."

"That's stupid. Who does construction work at night?" He twirled a strand of silvery hair through his fingers. "You could always stay with me, if it's bothering you that much."

"What? You're sure?"

"I mean, I have a futon and a small spare room in my apartment. You could just sleep there if you'd like. I really have no problem with it."

Akira weighed her options. On one hand, she had no clue as to the state of Juuzou's living space. If it was anything like his erratic personality, it might be an issue. _And do I really want to put up with his bullshit outside of work, 24/7?_ But on the other hand, if she didn't, she may really be dead of exhaustion by the end of the week.

"If you're willing to have me, I guess I'd stay at least for a night," she conceded.

Juuzou's face lit up, surprising her a bit. _He's really that excited to have company? Then again, the poor kid probably doesn't get visitors often._

"Awesome! Wanna come by my place tomorrow after work?"

"S-sure!" Akira laughed. "It's a deal. By the way, are you done with your food? I'll ask for the check so you can pay."

"Wait. Wait. I'm paying?"

"You literally told me I look like death. A little more charm when you go out to dinner with a lady would be a good lesson for you to learn." She smirked. "See you tomorrow."

* * *

><p>Butterflies swarmed in Akira's stomach as she drove to the address Juuzou had given her. <em>It's probably run-down and gross. Just like him.<em> She chuckled to herself. Theirs was the type of friendship that thrived on snarkiness and insults. In just the past three days, they'd exchanged sixteen "shut the hell up"s, eight "fuck you"s, and at least two "please get away from me"s. Her calling Juuzou disgusting had been a running joke for weeks now, and half the time she still wasn't sure whether she meant it. _Jokes aside, I really hope it's not bad. I'm not tidy myself, but I do hold a certain standard._

Suitcases in hand, she knocked on the door.

"Hey, Akira-chan!" Juuzou threw open the door, looking excited. "Come in, come in!"

Akira faltered slightly as she stepped inside. The place was a lot nicer than she'd expected. A little disorganized, but certainly not cluttered. There was some modern-looking art on the walls, and at least five potted plants on and around the windowsill in the living room. She could see the kitchen, where grocery bags were sitting on the counter. The fridge was covered in drawings held up by cartoon character recalled that he liked to draw, and figured they must be his own sketches. Throughout the entire place, there were neon-colored post-it notes in seemingly random locations – the walls, the coffee table, the couch.

"So, what do you think?"

"It's, um, it's really nice. Better than I expected, honestly." She laughed quietly, knowing he wouldn't be offended. "You actually bother trying to keep it clean. I just throw my clothes and stuff everywhere and don't bother to pick them up half the time."

"That's okay, I just shove everything in my closet. Your room is the one at the end of the hall. I was just about to make dinner." He disappeared into the kitchen, cutting off the conversation. Shrugging, Akira went to put away her bags.

The room was more of a large closet, but she didn't mind. There was a small window with a potted cactus. On the doorframe was a pink sticky note with the dates the cactus should be watered scrawled in messy handwriting. She set her bags down on the futon and sighed, trying to calm her pounding heart. She could put up an assertive façade at work, but it took effort to relax around friends. _I've gotten to a point where I can relax around Juuzou if we're at work or a restaurant or something. But for some reason I freak out going to people's houses. I don't like this anxiety bullshit. I'm 27 years old, and I still have trouble with any phone calls that aren't for work. _Collecting herself, she went to see what was for dinner.

Juuzou was standing at the stove, wearing a green-and-white checked apron.

"Are you making soup or something?"

"Nope, ramen."

"Mm, I've been craving some good ramen lately. What recipe are you – wait, what's that?" She pointed to a small orange package on the counter.

"…The ramen package?"

"That's not ramen, that's a slow, sodium-induced death."

He stopped stirring the pot and pouted at her.

"What's your problem?"

"Look, I've been trying to eat healthier lately. Do you have anything else?"

"Go through the cupboard there and find something." She could tell he was irked, and was briefly concerned about how close he was to the kitchen knives. If he were the way he'd been when he joined the CCG, she'd have reason to be worried. But he'd become better at not acting on violent impulses, so she let the thought go. _And if he's pissed off, oh well. _ _I'm not jeopardizing my diet because of this._

"Thanks, I'm sorry to be a bother, but I just…" She trailed off when she opened the cabinet. It was filled with snack foods, all containing high sugar, salt, fat, or some combination of the three. "Damn, do you own anything that doesn't go in the microwave?"

"Yeah, potato chips."

"Shut up, you know what I meant."

He walked over, still holding the wooden spoon he'd be stirring with.

"It's not my fault I never learned how to cook!" he cried, gesticulating wildly. Drops of hot water flew off the spoon.

"Stop talking with your hands, you're flinging water everywhere!"

"Goddammit." He put his hands on his hips, grinning. "You come into my house," he said in between laughs, "take up my spare room-"

"That you weren't even using!"

"You know – well – you know-" he stuttered.

"Alright, alright, whatever." Akira waved her hands in dismissal. "I'll eat your shitty fake ramen."

"No, you don't have to. But you're responsible for buying anything else you want to eat."

"Well, now I'm in the mood for real ramen. Is the noodle shop down the road any good?"

Juuzou shrugged.

"Dunno. I've never had any type of ramen that wasn't pre-made."

Akira gawked at that. _I mean, it would make sense, given his past, but still…_

"You poor, deprived child."

"I'm not a child, I'm 19!"

"And I'm 27. You're still a kid to me. Come on, squirt, we're getting ramen."

* * *

><p>Five hours later, Akira lay on the futon with a full stomach. She was ready to drift off, but the air vent in the ceiling kept blowing cold air onto her face. <em> I wish I could have brought my cat with me, she would have kept me warm. <em>But it had been decided that the feline would be too disoriented in a temporary home, so she'd been left with a week's supply of food and water. _It's so damn cold in here._ Her lips were starting to go numb, and eventually she threw off the covers and stumbled out into the hall.

The lights were still on, for some reason, and she squinted against the harsh glare. Pouting, she knocked on Juuzou's door. There was a quiet groan from inside that sounded like "come in".

"Wassup?" Juuzou mumbled. His shaggy hair was ruffled and tangled around his head, and his eyes were red and puffy. Akira tried not to stare at the red stitches running down his shirtless chest as he sat up in his bed.

"Are you even wearing clothes?"

"Yeah, shorts, calm down. What's happening?"

"So, um, I hate to complain, but there's an air vent in my room and it's blowing freezing air on me. Do you mind if I move the futon somewhere else?"

"I dunno where you would move it," he yawned. "Other than in here. There's not room anywhere else."

"Would it be a problem if I moved it in here?" _ I don't want to intrude on his personal space, since he's doing me a favor by letting me stay here. But if I can't sleep, what's the point?_

"Nah, it's fine. I'll help you."

Together, they dragged to futon into the bedroom and set it in the corner. Akira thanked her friend profusely, which was met with a tired wave of his hand as he crawled back into bed.

"Good night," she said as she got under the covers and rolled over to face the wall.

"Mm."

After a few minutes, she turned over, glancing over at Juuzou's sleeping form. It was hard to tell that there was even a body under the quilt, he was so small. The polka-dot blanket rose and fell with his breathing, and it was the calmness of watching this that eventually led her to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Akira jolted awake at the sound of a loud thud. Groaning, she grabbed her phone from her pajama pocket and turned it on to check the time, whining when the bright light hit her face. _3 AM… what the fuck, I'm not supposed to be at work until 10...what is this…_ It took a few moments for her to remember that she was at Juuzou's apartment. From what she could tell, he wasn't in the bed, but then again, he'd be easy to miss if he was bundled up in blankets. _I really don't care where he is at this hour. I have an alarm on my phone. I'm going back to sleep._

But there were sounds coming from the rest of the apartment, and eventually she was awake enough to climb off the futon and stalk out to the kitchen, where her friend was pouring himself a bowl of cereal.

"Why the fuck are you up in the middle of the night?" she muttered, rubbing her eyes.

"I like taking walks at night," he replied simply, sounding overly chipper for someone who couldn't have gotten more than four hours of sleep. "Care to join me?"

"What? No, I'm going back to bed. When are you coming back?"

"Probably around 5."

"What… why… something's wrong with you. I'm going back to bed."

"Have fun sleeping in!"

"I'm getting up at 7AM, that's not sleeping in. Dumbass," she muttered under her breath. She saw her reflection in the bathroom mirror and groaned at her ghastly appearance. "I'm gonna get bags under my eyes thanks to you!"

"Good, we'll match!"

* * *

><p>At the end of the work day, Akira was walking out to her car when she heard someone calling her name. Juuzou was about thirty feet away, waving to her.<p>

"'Sup, Suzuya?" she asked, unlocking the car.

"Can you give me a ride home?"

"I thought you preferred to walk?"

"Yeah, that was this morning before I had a field mission. I'm tired now."

"Hmm, I don't know," Akira teased, twirling the keyring around on her finger. "You woke me up awfully early today. I didn't get much rest, I'm just not sure if I'll have the presence of mind to drive while I have someone talking to me in the car…"

"C'mon, we're going to the same place!" he whined. "I won't talk to you, I promise I won't!"

"Calm down, I was joking," she laughed. "Climb in."

As they drove, they talked about their days work.

"I still think it's weird that we haven't found anything from Gourmet in a while," Juuzou mused. "Maybe he died."

"He's been pretty sporadic since Anteiku. Perhaps there was some of conflict with him and the rest of the ghouls in the area regarding that."

"He was affiliated with Eyepatch, right? Maybe he left because Eyepatch died."

"Why are you so dreary? Literally all of your theories have to do with someone dying. Anyway, do you have any reports to file?"

Juuzou shrugged.

"Yeah, I probably should write them out tonight."

"Um, yeah, you just finished a field mission, you should write the report as soon as possible." She sighed. "But you probably won't, will you?"

"Y'see, that requires like, forty to fifty minutes of effort, and I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment…"

"You really need to start taking your job more seriously," Akira chided. "People see you advancing through the ranks, and then look at your attitude towards work, and it kind of pisses them off."

"Well, they can fuck off. I didn't suck any dick, so they can suck my dick."

Akira parked the car outside the apartment and sat back, rubbing her temples.

"Okay, either I'm too tired to get what you're saying, or you're just not making sense. As usual. What is this about sucking dick?"

"There's a rumor going around that I only got promoted 'cause I sucked Marude's dick. And I didn't. I got promoted because I'm really good at what I do. And anyone who thinks otherwise can suck my ball-less dick."

"_Juuzou_!" Akira cackled. She covered her mouth quickly. _I don't know if I should laugh at that. He just referenced how he was abused. Is that okay to laugh about? But the way he said it was so funny._

"Well, it's true!" he chuckled. "I mean, I wouldn't say it _that_ way, since you're the only person I've told about that. But seriously, no blowjobs were given in the making of this career. It's so rude that people are saying that about me."

"I love how you always complain about your coworkers being rude even though you have no filter on what you say to them." She got out of the car.

"What can I say, I'm an honest person."

"You called Aizawa a 'balloon animal' after his presentation last week because he was 'full of hot air'."

"You know you were thinking the same thing," he said as he unlocked the door.

"He looked like he was going to cry."

"That's just his face."

Akira snorted out a laugh, shaking her head. Juuzou could be crude, but at least he was funny about it. _And he never says shit about me, so I guess I'm okay with it._ She told Juuzou she was going to take a shower.

Standing under the hot water and washing her body with her favorite sugar scrub was relaxing. She took comfort in her daily beauty routine. There was something ritualistic and calming about doing her hair, makeup, and skincare every day, and it allowed her time to reflect. While massaging cocoa butter lotion into her skin, she thought about how surprisingly un-stressed she was at her friend's house. _I'd expected it to be awkward and uncomfortable, but I'm feeling pretty good. It's nice, having company. I hope he feels the same._ She threw on her favorite fluffy robe (the purple one – she had at least four robes at home) over her pajamas, wrapped a towel around her head, and left the bathroom to get a start on her work, steam flowing out of the room behind her.

As she pored over her report, Juuzou's voice filtered out from the bathroom. _Odd. He doesn't seem like the type to sing in the shower. Or at all._

"_Don't look for me, don't look at me_~"

_He doesn't sound bad, but does he have to be that loud?_ _I should have brought my headphones. _She shook her head, trying to block out the noise, and returned to her work. But once the water was shut off, his voice became even louder.

"_Paradise in that I can't be changed, remember me!"_

Akira grumbled to herself, trying to recall what it was that she was going to write and failing. It was kind of a pain, having to deal with this, and she started second-guessing her earlier thoughts on spending time there. She debated whether she should tell him how distracting he was, but lost the nerve as soon as the door opened and he stumbled out, still drying his hair.

"I'm gonna go in my room and work on my report," he chirped.

"O… okay." _At least he'll be quiet now_. She returned to the papers. _Let's see, if we're mapping out the past attack locations, the next one would predictably be… _It was easy to get lost in her work, since it was something she enjoyed. Until the first few chords of a song drifted down the hall. _Fuck. _Juuzou was singing something loud and high-pitched, something grating on the ears.

"… _forever dreaming of something she can't reach_…"

Slowly but surely, she finished her report. With a sigh, she pulled out a novel and tried to read. When the noise became too much, she mustered up her courage and stormed into his bedroom.

"Yo!" he called over the blasting music. "What's up?"

"Can you turn that down?"

"What?"

"Turn your fucking music down!"

Juuzou fiddled with the buttons on his speaker, and suddenly all was quiet.

"I've been trying for the past thirty minutes to finish my report and read a book, but all I hear is your fucking voice!"

"Whoa." Juuzou put up his hands in surrender. "You need to calm down."

"No, _you_ need to take your job more seriously. Stop singing and write your damn report."

"But-"

"That's an order from your superior."

"But I was writing it! I just work better with music!"

Akira was taken aback by this. _Is he telling the truth?_ She went over to where he sat on his bed and, sure enough, the report of his mission was nearly finished. _What the fuck? How does he concentrate with all that sound?_

"Oh, I'm… shit, I'm sorry." She felt her face growing red. "Fuck, I didn't mean to…"

"It's fine," he shrugged. "I guess I was being a little loud."

"I just wanted to relax and unwind today because, well, you know."

Juuzou just looked at her, brows knit together in confusion. Akira frowned.

"You seriously forgot what day it is?" she pressed.

There was a sudden and painful understanding on Juuzou's face, and she regretted reminding him of the six-month anniversary of Amon's and Shinohara's deaths. She was always depressed when this date came by every month, but he'd been trying so hard to forget it. _I should have let him forget. That was selfish, to drag him down with me._

"I mean, I don't want to remind you, but…"

"No, it's okay." He pasted a smile on his face, though from the way he couldn't meet her eyes, she could tell it wasn't genuine. "We should remember. But we should also try to stay happy. Let's cheer up a bit."

"What do you do to cheer yourself up?" Akira asked.

"I listen to music," he laughed. "Happy music. Singing and dancing is cathartic, you know." He started looking through his mp3 player, plugged into the speaker. "Ah, that's a good one. Do you know this song?" he asked as the opening notes played.

"I-I'm not much of a singer. Or a dancer."

"Aw, c'mon, it's fun!" He started singing along to the happy, poppy tune. He had a cute voice, something she might expect from a girl. Akira just stared at him as though he'd just sprouted a kagune. Once he realized she wasn't going to join him, he pouted. "It's not as much fun if you don't sing along."

"I don't know how to sing!"

"You don't have to know anything! It's okay to make a fool of yourself! That's the point, Akira! God, you just – you need to learn how to relax. Laugh at yourself every once in a while."

"If I laugh at myself, so will everyone else," she said, crossing her arms.

"Not true. I laugh at myself and I can confirm that only 75% of the people I know think I'm a joke."

Akira couldn't help but chuckle at that. Juuzou quickly lurched toward her, putting his fingers at the corners of her mouth and pulling her lips into a grin. She made a small noise of confusion.

"You started to smile, so I figured I'd help you," he explained.

"Get your hands off my face," she giggled.

"Only if you promise to have fun and dance with me."

"Wait, _dance_? I thought we were singing!"

"This is your punishment for not singing." He got off the bed and grabbed her wrists. "Please? This is one of my favorite songs. Dance with me."

Akira groaned, but started rocking back and forth. Once she started to recognize the rhythm, she moved her arms a bit against Juuzou's, and he grinned.

"See, you can do it! Just move your hips to the beat, too. Like this." He broke away into what she could only guess was a salsa-inspired hip-jerking abomination of a dance. He looked utterly ridiculous, but his good mood was infectious, and she followed suit, shaking her shoulders in time with the music. Before long they were dancing across the room, each move sillier than the last. _I can't remember the last time I laughed this hard!_ On a whim, she put her arms around him and spun him around. With a devilish smirk, he dipped her low to the ground, a hand on her back to support her. They made eye contact, and she found heat rushing to her face. _Why am I blushing? I don't think of him like that! It must be because he's holding me like this. Yeah, his hand's near my bra. I'd blush if anybody was holding me this way._

When they came back up, she awkwardly shuffled away from him. He faltered slightly at that, throwing her a questioning glance.

"Head rush," she explained, laughing it off. _Even if I did have any type of feelings for him – which I obviously don't – but if I did, it wouldn't matter right now. I'm having fun, and that's all I have to think about. I'm happy in this moment, and that's what's important._ As she went back to dancing, she eyed Juuzou's content face, his broad smile and energetic nature. _It's been six months, guys,_ she thought, picturing Amon and Shinohara in her head. _We're not perfect yet. Maybe we never will be. But we're doing damn well._


	3. Chapter 3

"Alright, that concludes today's briefing," Marude intoned, clapping his hands once and standing up. "Please continue with your daily duties. Oh, Mado-san, I need you in my office."

_Did I do something wrong? No, it's more likely that I did something right. That's usually why I'm called in to talk to the higher-ups. No use in worrying myself, I'm sure it's fine._

"I've already got Suzuya-kun waiting in there," he continued as they walked. "There's an important matter I need to discuss with you two."

"Oh? What type of matter?" _A special mission?_

"A reminder on company policy."

Akira's heart dropped. _That sounds like I'm in trouble_. From her days as a schoolgirl to her career as an investigator, she'd never gotten accustomed to discipline. Model students generally aren't. It hurt when she got chided for running in the halls in grade school, and it hurt now when he was chastised by her boss for being too blunt. _Criticism isn't my thing._ She tried not to scowl. _If Juuzou did something stupid and got me roped into it, I'm gonna wring his neck._

Marude's office was spacious, with sunlight dripping in through the half-closed blinds. There were several chairs in front of the oak desk, one of which was occupied by Juuzou. He didn't seem to notice they were there, and was absently picking at the stitches in his arms. Akira remembered when she'd asked him about them, and he said they were no different than piercings – surgical steel in the upper layer of his skin. An odd body modification, but it obviously held some type of significance to him. Eventually he raised his head as they walked over, one eyebrow perking up in confusion. _So he doesn't know what this is about either._

"Now," Marude started, settling into his leather desk chair, "there's no doubt that you are two of our most productive agents. Your skill sets complement one another, so it's good that you're working in tandem now. But while I'm glad you two have formed a closer relationship, it baffles me that two of the best employees here at the CCG completely forgot our company policy on dating between coworkers."

_What?_ Akira turned to Juuzou, who wore a sour expression. _Jeez, you don't have to look so disgusted._

"From the looks on your faces, I can tell that you still don't get it," their boss continued. "If two coworkers get into a, shall we say, _intimate_ relationship, they are obligated to tell their supervisor. It works that way here because we are working such a high-risk job, and in a crisis situation, we can't allow our feelings to get in the way of doing what is necessary. Mado-san, I know you've had problems in the past with-"

_Don't say his name_.

"-prioritizing work and romantic emotions, so I would expect this slip-up from you."

The words hit Akira like an electric shock. She knew her affection for (and later grieving over) Amon hadn't been graceful, but was she really that bad that her supervisor had to "expect" mistakes from her?

"You really do take after your parents, getting together with your fellow investigators. Suzuya, on the other hand – well, I think we all had some preconceived notions about Suzuya's romantic life that conflict with what is apparently true-"

"I'm not gay!" Juuzou cried. "I've told so many people that I'm not gay! Why doesn't anyone believe me?"

"You're wearing rainbow suspenders right now, Suzuya," Akira deadpanned.

"I felt like being colorful today," he muttered. "B-but anyway, Akira and I aren't dating. Not in the slightest. We're two-for-two with your incorrect assumptions, Marude. You know what they say about assuming. If you keep this up, we're both gonna be asses."

"I really don't think that's how the saying goes," Marude chided. "And how many times have I told you to use honorifics with your superiors?"

"They waste time," Akira said. "Like this meeting. Why are we even here? What makes you think we're dating?"

"Several people have mentioned to me that you're arriving and leaving work together. And since that started, they say, you two have been acting closer than usual. You really do act like a couple, with all that playful bickering."

"We act like friends," Akira protested.

"Friends that hate each other," Juuzou added. "Were not bickering like a couple, we just like giving each other shit. It's fun. Livens up the workplace."

"Yes, well, I've had enough of you trying to 'liven up the workplace', considering how counterproductive your efforts tend to be," Marude told the young man. "You're either arguing with your coworkers, or bringing unhealthy treats to our briefings-"

"Hey, you can't deny that those donuts were good," Juuzou interjected, threatening to rise out of his chair in indignation. Akira gently grabbed his arm to rein him in.

"Or your most infamous stunt, where you hijacked and destroyed my personal property-"

"Okay, no need to bring up the motorcycle incident," Akira said quickly. She knew she had stop them before they got heated. The last time Juuzou and Marude had gotten into an argument, curses were yelled, blows were nearly exchanged, and at least one of the aforementioned donuts had been thrown across the room as an attempted weapon. In an effort to defuse the situation, she added, "We're getting off-topic here. How about we let bygones be bygones and focus on the matter at hand?" Sensing the hostility ebbing away, she continued. "With all due respect, sir, I think the conclusion you came to about me and Suzuya was a little hasty. I can confirm that we are not romantically involved. I've just been spending a few days at his place because there's construction near my apartment building. Nothing more, nothing less. Now unless there's another breach of conduct we need to discuss, I'd appreciate it if I could be excused. I'm supposed to be running a tour for some academy students at two, and I need to get going."

There was silence in the room as Marude digested her words. Finally, he sighed and waved his hand.

"Apologies to both of you. You're excused."

* * *

><p>"I still can't believe they thought we were dating," Juuzou grumbled as he and Akira walked out to her car.<p>

"I still can't believe I had to keep you and Marude from fighting. You're both grown-ass adults, and yet you can't even have a conversation that doesn't devolve into whining and bitching at each other over stupid things."

"It's not my fault he can't let the past go."

"Yeah, but he's your boss. You think I like everything he says? Absolutely not, but sometimes you just have to be the bigger person and let it go."

"Mm. Whatever. Anything you want to do tonight?"

"I was actually thinking we should go to the grocery store. I could teach you how to cook, if you want."

"Really?" His face lit up a though she'd just given him a new quinque. "That'd be so cool! What do you want to make?"

"You like sugar, right? We could try making a cake."

"I thought you didn't like cooking things from boxes. Doesn't the batter-powder stuff come pre-packaged?"

"We'd be making it from scratch. No box. I do it all the time."

"_You can make cake without the box?_" he cried, incredulous. Akira turned her eyes from the road to look at him, and couldn't help laughing at his amazed expression. _That's not just being excited. Those are the eyes of a man who has seen God._ "What? What's so funny?" When she didn't stop giggling, he poked her arm with a confused smile. "Hey, what's so funny? Do I get to know the joke?"

"_You're_ a joke," she told him. "Your face – you didn't know it was possible to make cake from scratch?"

"Birthdays at the Shinohara household were not a very fancy affair," he chuckled. "Usually for birthdays, they would just buy one from the bakery. I didn't even know the boxed kind existed until I turned eighteen and they wanted to do something special."

"That's sad. What's even sadder is that you don't even argue that you're not a joke."

"You're right. I'm not a joke. I am _the_ joke."

"Oh my god. I'm gonna crash this fucking car."

"Let's not. I want to taste this cake you're talking about."

* * *

><p>"Are you sure this is gonna work?" Juuzou asked as he greased the baking pan. "Have you ever used this recipe before?"<p>

"Yeah, I used it every year for my dad's birthday. He loved vanilla cake." To distract herself from the memory, Akira turned on the beater. The whir of the mixer against egg, sugar, and butter just barely drowned out Juuzou's humming – which, like his singing, was oddly loud. "Do you think you could watch this? Just add the rest in and pour it in the pans when it's evenly mixed."

"Alright, I think I can do that. Where are you going?"

"I've got to go to the bathroom."

"Think of me," he told her with a smirk.

"Always," she replied in an equally melodramatic tone. She fought to suppress a laugh as she walked away.

By the time she came out, the batter was already in the pans. Akira popped them in the oven, then set to work scrubbing away the mess Juuzou had made on the counter. _How is it that he can handle weapons with expert precision but he can't pour batter without getting it all over the damn place?_ She went into the living room to find Juuzou scribbling in a book.

"Is that one of my crossword puzzle books?" she asked.

"Yeah. What's the answer to six down?" He waved the book in front of her face.

"Give me that." She snatched it out of his hand. "You can't just take my shit. You have to ask first."

"Fine," he sighed. "May I do a few of your crossword puzzles to pass the time?"

"If you really have to. Thank you for asking. I'll teach you manners if it's the death of me." She handed back the book. "And six down is 'Studio Ghibli'."

"Thanks, man."

Akira settled down to do her own crossword. She didn't even realize that twenty minutes had passed when the alarm on the oven sounded. Excited to see how the cake turned out, she jumped out of the chair and bolted into the kitchen, Juuzou right behind her. He leaned over her shoulder as she opened the oven door to reveal –

Two collapsed, cracked cake layers.

"That's so cool!" Juuzou cried. "Do all cakes made from scratch look like that?"

"No, you dork, it's not supposed to look like that. It's supposed to look like any other cake. Why did it collapse? I always use this recipe."

"Maybe we didn't add the special ingredient," he suggested.

"And what would that be?"

"Love." He made a heart shape with his hands.

"Shut up. Love's for losers," Akira grumbled as she pulled out the cake pans. "Wait. How long did you mix it for?"

"I just mixed until it was really liquid-y."

"Ugh. It probably got overmixed. That can collapse cakes." She eyed the cake. "It looks so gross."

"But it's what's on the inside that counts! Is it edible at least?"

"Should be. Let's get it out of the pans." She tilted the pan over a plate, tapping the bottom. "That's weird, it's not coming out." Her tapping became more furious until she was effectively smacking the pan with her oven mitt-ed hand. "Why the fuck won't it come out?"

"That's what she sa-"

"No. We're not doing that. We're not… Juuzou?"

"Mm?" He was sitting back, trying to contain his amusement at her frustration.

"You greased the pan, right?"

"Yeah, I ran butter around the sides and bottom like you told me to. Don't try to blame this on me. I did it just like this." He got the remaining butter from the fridge and pulled the oven mitts off her hands to hold the pan. As Akira watched in stunned silence, he rubbed the stick of butter very liberally along the outer sides of the pan. Her jaw dropped a bit as he tipped the whole thing over and greased the bottom surface that had been sitting on the oven rack. Of course, even though the pan was upside down, the cake stayed put inside.

"Are you kidding me?" Akira whispered. "Are you fucking kidding me? You greased the _outside_ of the pan?"

"Um, yeah?"

She clapped her hands on his thin shoulders and bent down slightly to look him in the eye.

"Now tell me," she hissed. "What exactly did you think that would accomplish? Greasing the outside? Where the cake never touches? The whole point of greasing the pan is _to get the cake out!_"

"Stop shaking me! You never told me to!"

"I shouldn't have to! It's common sense! How the hell are we going to get the cake out now?"

"You are way too serious about this," Juuzou said, gently removing her hands from his shoulders. "We'll just eat it directly from the pans. Problem solved."

"No. I will not stoop that low. You know who eats cake directly out of the pan? People who have lost control of their lives."

Juuzou rolled his eyes.

"Fine. Pry it out of the pan then. I'll be waiting in the other room."

As he left, Akira simply pursed her lips and began digging one of the pans with a fork. A few lonely pieces crumbled out onto the plate before half the pan's worth of sad, cracked cake was hoisted out all at once, falling to the floor with a resounding _thud_. For a few seconds, complete, stunned, disappointed silence filled the apartment.

"I'm not cleaning that up," came a voice from down the hall.

* * *

><p><em>That was such a disaster<em>, Akira thought, settling into the bath. _It tasted good in the end – well, what was left of it, at least. Why does life have to be so difficult?_ Reaching out of the tub, she smiled. _Oh well, at least I brought my favorite type of bath bomb to use. I need to relax._ She dropped it into the tub, the water fizzing up as bubbles emerged. The instrumental music drifting from her phone drowned out whatever Juuzou was doing in the other room, and she finally felt as though she could wind down after the long day.

After a few minutes, she thought she heard something, but wrote it off as her mind playing tricks on her. By this point, she was up to her neck in bubbles, eyes closed. The calm atmosphere dissipated when there was a loud knock on the door.

"Yes?" she called.

"Are you almost done in there?"

"Mm, five more minutes." She heard his footsteps retreating and figured her response was good enough. Before even two minutes had passed, however, the knocking returned, louder than before.

"Akira! _Akira!_"

"What?" she whined.

"I need to use the bathroom! Come out!"

"Alright, fine. I'll be out in a bit." She pulled herself out of the tub, lamenting that she couldn't stay longer. _I'll return someday, sweet bubble bath. _There was more pounding on the door as she stepped out, bubbles floating off her skin. "Hold your horses, I'm drying off!"

"I really gotta go!" he wheedled.

"I'm almost done, I promise, I'm just putting on a-"

"Akira, I will shit under your bed, so help me-"

"Calm the hell down, I'm-"

The door flew open and Akira screamed, not fully dressed. Juuzou looked her up and down, then quickly covered his eyes.

"Yeah, you fucker, I don't even have pants on! Close the goddamn door!" Trying desperately to pull up her pajama pants, she tripped and fell against the tub, half her body in the water. By this point, both of them were yelling.

"Fuck, Akira, I need to-"

"I don't care, now I'm wet and covered in bubbles!"

"Here, let me help you up." He reached out a hand, bending over her, but she shrank away.

"Cover your eyes! I'm in nothing but a t-shirt and a thong, get away from me!"

"Shit, right, sorry!" He slammed the door behind him as Akira dragged herself out of the tub, wincing in pain. Once she'd pulled up her pants and dried herself off (for the most part), she opened the door. The two of them passed by each other without a word, and she fought the urge to scream as she went out into the hall, still dripping wet._ What the fuck. What the fuck. Why did this happen. _Her face grew redder the more she thought about it, and by the time Juuzou came out, she felt as though she were on fire.

He gave her the once-over, as though to confirm that she was dressed, but refused to meet her eyes. His cheeks were pink, and it would have been cute if she weren't so embarrassed herself.

"So, what exactly made you think it was a good idea to open the door before I was ready to come out?" she muttered, voice nearly inaudible.

"I'm… not entirely sure. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry."

"… Did you see anything?"

"Just your legs. Nothing else, I promise. I was too panicked to look."

"What did you have to be panicked about?" Akira asked with a derisive snort. "I was the one half-naked in a tub full of green bubbles."

"Because I was the reason you were like that?" he asked with a soft laugh, still staring down at the floor. "Look, I'm really sorry. I understand if you're mad, or if you feel weird and you want to leave."

Akira thought about the situation. Could she survive another few days here after that incident?

"Yeah, well… we all make mistakes, I guess," she conceded. "I forgive you. I didn't come here with the intent of falling into a tub, ass exposed for all to see, but it happened, and there's no going back now. I'll stay for the rest of the week, if you're okay with that. But just promise me something?"

"What?"

"Don't ever tell anyone about that. Ever. In your whole life."

Juuzou grinned at her.

"Cross my heart."


End file.
